i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
