I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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