I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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