Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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