I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
