Texts From Last Night

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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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  (802): Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami." http://tfl.nu/q4af
  Replies (17) Good night (736) Bad night (3956)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.

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  (609): no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical. http://tfl.nu/1fef
  Replies (11) Good night (1089) Bad night (4059)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

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  (314): I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old. http://tfl.nu/qc6x
  Replies (19) Good night (742) Bad night (5621)
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  (925): View more from California

  Wait, how do girls masturbate?

  (1-925): View more from California

  I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

  (925): View more from California

  ..how does it fit?

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  (925): Wait, how do girls masturbate? (1-925): I dunno we use shower heads I guess. (925): ..how does it fit? http://tfl.nu/ktf5
  Replies (85) Good night (2162) Bad night (5851)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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  (870): you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions. http://tfl.nu/7qp6
  Replies (29) Good night (8400) Bad night (861)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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  (816): I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding. http://tfl.nu/1j8r
  Replies (12) Good night (1361) Bad night (4882)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

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  (484): her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird. http://tfl.nu/16ps
  Replies (15) Good night (4411) Bad night (1321)
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  (415): View more from California

  It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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  (415): It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend. http://tfl.nu/xojm
  Replies (18) Good night (4964) Bad night (2261)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.

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  (937): The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15. http://tfl.nu/cktg
  Replies (24) Good night (1295) Bad night (4337)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.

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  (705): What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out. http://tfl.nu/9o89
  Replies (5) Good night (998) Bad night (2187)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants

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  (910): If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants http://tfl.nu/gfd8
  Replies (5) Good night (1575) Bad night (653)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.

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  (602): But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at. http://tfl.nu/pftw
  Replies (2) Good night (873) Bad night (436)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...

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  (617): Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed... http://tfl.nu/fkp9
  Replies (7) Good night (1426) Bad night (691)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

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  (912): Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time.... http://tfl.nu/fwcj
  Replies (11) Good night (2125) Bad night (479)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra

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  (616): be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra http://tfl.nu/3wvg
  Replies (4) Good night (570) Bad night (441)

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