I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
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I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart