my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
