Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
