He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
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Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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