Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
