smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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