last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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