Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
