Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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