Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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