Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
