girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
