we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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