OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
