She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
