I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
