i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
