I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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