Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
