Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
