bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
