My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
