kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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