I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
