I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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