Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
