Just took my morning after pill in the library
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
