how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
