explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
