It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
