Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
