My hand turned me down
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.