I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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