Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?