Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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