Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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