I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
