my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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