I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
