I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
