There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
