I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
