No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
