If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
