cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
