Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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