take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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