Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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