The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
