I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
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think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
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Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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