Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
