I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
