She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
