The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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