It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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