Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
